Vanilla Sucks!Posted in The Show
Length: 99:52 minutes Date: 06/30/2012
Vanilla, a richly flavored spice derived from the blooming orchids of the vanilla plant, tastes especially delicious in cream puffs and ice cream. Of course, if you’re forced to eat nothing but vanilla, soon that delectable flavor induces nausea and boredom. And so it is with “vanilla” or conventional marriage. Engaging in nothing but vanilla, monogamous, marital, missionary-position sex might be terrific, romantic and very orgasmic—for a few years. But after a while, if you don’t mix it up with a few other spicy flavors, vanilla relationships almost inevitably get boring, if not downright nauseating.
This show is an antidote to all that. In fact, it is “The Anti-Vanilla,” and I am your Anti-Vanilla Auntie, garbed for the occasion in a rainbow sherbet palette of summer-hot hues to combat vanilla boredom and honor the tail end of Gay Pride Month. Helping me help you out of the vanilla closet, should you be trapped inside of such a relatively flavorless marital prison, is a yummy bunch of guests in the Womb Room and on webcam, from the author of Unlearn Vanilla Marriage and his swinging wife of 15 years to some of the hottest porn performers on the planet, each deliciously un-vanilla in her or his own very tasty way.
Rich Woods: The author of Unlearn Vanilla Marriage: A Different Approach to a Failing Institution joins us via Skype to help kick off the conversation, denouncing the “Vanilla Matrix”, that oppressive, seemingly omnipresent convention that maintains that monogamous, kink-free marriage is the only “good” relationship model. Rich himself was trapped in a “horrible vanilla marriage” once, but is now happily married to his hot wife, Jane, who also joins us from the set of Rich’s show on UnLearn TV. What’s the secret of their happy 15-year marriage? They’re swingers (though they prefer to call it “negotiating nonmonogamy)!
Amor Hilton: Prettier than Paris and cuter than Conrad, this utterly un-vanilla, all-natural, alt-model/porn starlet strips down to nothing but Minnie Mouse ears and a belly button ring, pops her pussy and rides the Sybian to a screeching orgasm. Then she pops her shemale sex cherry, giving expert fellatio to fellow guest Tiffany Starr and riding Tif’s hard shaft cowgirl-style into the climax of the show. In the after-party Tif gives it to her doggie-style as she licks my ladyparts like 31 Flavors, topping off her orgiastic evening with a triumphant nude rickshaw ride around the Speakeasy.
Tiffany Starr: “New England’s Hottest Transsexual Porn Star,” Tif has been non-vanilla since she was born a he. She has a girlfriend, and the secret to their great relationship is the same as that of Rich and Jane’s—swinging! This is Tif’s second visit to my Womb Room (her first was the Rubber Bordello show), and this time, she seems to take a liking to Amor Hilton, who’s never had sex with a TS before, and Tif makes sure her first time is the un-vanilla time of her life!
Shani Reid: A virgin to the Womb Room and brand new to porn (just signed with our friends from Ideal Image Management), Shani is from one of the most vanilla areas of the country, the middle of Middle America: Kansas City, Missouri. But being from the Show Me, this plucky gal is the first to show us her naked body and hop up on the Sybian (another first time for her).
Tracey Sweet: Last seen at the Speakeasy on my Birthday Carnival of Sex (now playing on DrSusanBlock.tv), this self-proclaimed “cock sucking Disney princess” has a year-round pass to the Most Vanilla Place on Earth, though she managed to swirl a few wild flavors of her own into the Vanilla Kingdom by having sex on the “It’s a Small World” ride.
Mary Forrest: Mary gets off one of the funniest lines of the show (again) when, in discussing the awfulness of the Vanilla Matrix, the Mars/Venus dichotomy and E.L. James, she sums it all up with “50 Shades of John Gray.” She also shows off her bodacious bod in elegant corsetry, baring her lovely boobs for Agwa shots, puffing away on what-else-but a vanilla-flavored cigar.
Ryan Esteban Stabile: The now mohawked publisher of Ultra Vulgar Super Fiend returns to the Speakeasy after a hiatus with a belated birthday cake for me, baked in the lovely shape of a hard fat penis. I’m sure that one of the ingredients is vanilla, but it’s the mix of special spices that gives it a special over-the-rainbow feeling after just a bite or two.
Bella Vendetta: Visiting with us via webcam, this former Burning Angel porn star, fetish model, suspension artist, journalist and metalhead chats about her completely un-vanilla life, shows us her boobs and uniquely impressive tattoos, and promises to visit the Speakeasy in January when she’s in LA.
Tasia Sutor: Special mention must be given to my show producer who dresses thematically as the Spirit of Vanilla with two scoops for boobs, and a Kinky Eddie skirt with the ass cut out. At the end of the show, she dangles from my bed as we desecrate her pure vanilla ice cream tits with strawberry sauce, turning her into a red-streaky, sticky, hot mess. Inspired by last Saturday’s Midsummer Night’s Wet Dream, she also gives Master Liam a blow-job while hanging upside down from the trapeze, in the after-party.
Weapons of Mass Discussion: The Vanilla Matrix, Vanilla Marriage, Vanilla Ice Cream, Screwing in Disneyland, Swingers and Swing Parties, White Republican Swingers, Kicking Dr. Phil In the Nuts, Sexy Captain America Is Still A Virgin, 50 Shades of Grey Is a Very Vanilla Book, Sex At Dawn, “Whiskey Dick”, Average Amount of Semen in One Ejaculation, Orgasm-Deprived Husbands and Wives, Monogamy Breeds Liars, The Venus/Mars Dichotomy, How To Deal With Jealousy In Relationships, Negotiating Nonmonogamy, Impurity Tastes Like Strawberry Sauce, Vanilla Life In Kansas City, We’re All Born Multi-flavored, Bible Verse Tattoos, Wild Sex Hair, Gibbons Are The Only Vanilla Great Apes, Bonobos Are The Original Non-Vanilla Primates
Performance Erotica: Bonobo Gang Action, Strip Teases, Sybian Rides, Agwa Nipple Shots with Adult Play Parlor Cock Shotglasses, Showing Off Tattoos, Wild Sex Hair, Web Cam, Pussy Popping, Desecrating the Spirit of Vanilla Tits By Pouring Strawberry Sauce All Over Her Vanilla Ice Cream Boobs, Poking & Smoking Adult Play Parlor’s Peter Piper, Hot Tranny Action, Fellatio, Sex Cowgirl-Style, Blowing Bubbles, A Belated Birthday Surprise: Special Spice Penis Shaped Cake, Sex Doggy-Style with Cunnilingus, Naked Hula-Hooping, Upside Down Blowjob on the Trapeze, Five-Girl Half-Naked Rickshaw Ride
Multiple thanks, kudos and orgasms to the Dr. Susan Block Institute Staff here in BonoboVille for making this show possible.